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"Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day at every opportunity? You're a freaking genius, you idiot!" - Clamps, Futurama 2ACV13

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The rarely updated blog of Joel Dixon

Viewing blogs tagged Funny

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Balls

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 12/05/2010 22:58:51

I administer a website that is used by high school students in support of their studies. I was looking through the search log tonight and found the following four searches that all occurred within a few seconds of each other:

gentil
genitil
genitals
balls

I sure hope that student found what they were looking for.



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Saturday, January 02, 2010

Literal Music Videos

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 02/01/2010 18:29:43
Updated by Joel Dixon at 02/01/2010 18:33:39


The Internet doth provide. Literal Music Videos are classic video clips re-dubbed with more literal lyrics. Here are my favourite examples:

Take on Me
Take on Me: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos


Total Eclipse of the Heart




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Monday, September 21, 2009

Wet Pussy

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 21/09/2009 21:34:15
Updated by Joel Dixon at 21/09/2009 21:40:55


I love funny cat videos, and this one is pretty good:

Cat

On the site a caption says "This cat successfully figures out the least efficient way to drink from a faucet" which pretty much sums it up. Still - you can't say it's stupid - he does get a lot of water.

http://www.break.com/index/dumb-cat-cant-figure-out-how-to-d rink.html



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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The ol' Client / Server Database

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 27/05/2009 23:12:55

The first result in google when searching for "client server database" is quite interesting:

Google Me

At the time of posting - that result is still number one. Here - let me google that for you.

Firstly - a great use of the word girth. Doesn't get used enough in my opinion. Then again - what's my opinion worth? After all - I used to think client / server was a computing term. The more you know!



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Thursday, February 19, 2009

Life Imitating Art

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 19/02/2009 21:08:54

Bell and I have been watching the semi-recent Working Dog television series The Hollowmen, a comedy set behind the scenes of the "Central Policy Unit" that aims to get the Australian Prime Minister re-elected. Extremely funny, as most Working Dog productions are, but a scene I watched tonight had me thinking.

In the episode "Military Matters" the CPU is tasked with a recruiting drive aimed at getting more of Generation Y to sign up for military service. A bit of a satirical list of things the television ad should and shouldn't contain were presented:

Quoting The Hollowmen:
Murph - Director of CPU - What images would you show?

Military Guy - Not combat.

Nick - Senior Political Advisor - You wouldn't show combat?

Military Guy - Good Lord no, I wouldn't show anything that's dangerous or life threatening. It's a real negative. The images need to show other aspects of military life.

Murph - Training?

Military Guy - No.

Murph - Barracks?

Military Guy - No ... Commradary, travel, good times.

Military Guy 2 - The meals.

Nick - People in uniform?

Military Guy - No.

Murph - You wouldn't show people in uniform?

Military Guy - Not combat uniform. T-shirts, polos, chinos, a touch rugby clobber.

Murph - We've gotta show some military images.

Military Guy - Do you...?

Murph - Tanks?

Military Guy - No.

Murph - Ships?


Military Guy - No.

Military Guy 2 - Maybe if the focus is on the water?

Military Guy - Yes, a tropical setting.

Military Guy 3 - Keep the focus on the fun.

The transcript doesn't do it justice - as most of the comedy was in Military Guy's delivery, but you get the picture. Anyway - it all seemed a little familiar to me. Check out the following television ad entitled "7 Days In The Navy":

7 Days In The Navy



Care to guess which aspects of military life they focused on?

I'm pretty sure the Hollowmen episode came after the television ad first aired. Either way - either The Hollowmen are probably pretty accurate regarding The Navy's decision making process - or The Navy doesn't understand that The Hollowmen is a comedy.



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Thursday, February 12, 2009

There once was a man named Enus

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 12/02/2009 21:45:02

Randall Munroe, author of the hugely popular geek webcomic xkcd, recently posted a link to a limerick site he created - http://limerickdb.com/ (check out the top 150 for the good ones)

Some of my favourites:

Quoting BSOD Limerick:
if(computer.fail==true){
background.setColor(blue);
user.frown();
sys.shutdown();
user.scream("OH, FUCK YOU");}

Quoting Meta Limerick:
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space].

The format of the site reminds me of the Quote Database, a collection of amusing IRC quotes. Must mention a personal favourite from that site:

Quoting QDB:
[Cthon98] hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
[Cthon98] ********* see!


[AzureDiamond] hunter2
[AzureDiamond] doesnt look like stars to me


[Cthon98] [AzureDiamond] *******
[Cthon98] thats what I see


[AzureDiamond] oh, really?

[Cthon98] Absolutely

[AzureDiamond] you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
[AzureDiamond] haha, does that look funny to you?


[Cthon98] lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******

[AzureDiamond] thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that

[Cthon98] yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******

[AzureDiamond] awesome!
[AzureDiamond] wait, how do you know my pw?


[Cthon98] er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw

[AzureDiamond] oh, ok.

While looking into Randall Munroe's wiki page - I found a few other useful sites I didn't know about:

I've really gotten soft since we got kitties - the cutest one was by far my favourite. Probably why I love lolcats so much - cute kitties with funny captions. Bliss!

Lolcat




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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

SNL Digital Shorts

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 23/12/2008 21:14:16

A friend of mine emailed through an amusing video that was on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago:

Jizz In My Pants


The facial expression are classic

This is another video from The Lonely Island, a group of filmmakers including Andy Samberg, a repertory player from SNL. A couple of my other favourites:

Dick In A Box


I think it should be obvious what the censored word is

Another favourite is Lazy Sunday, but as the NBC site doesn't work in Australia - here's something completely different:

The Count Censored





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Sunday, September 21, 2008

Not Will Ferrell Trivia

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 21/09/2008 10:08:53
Updated by Joel Dixon at 19/02/2009 22:20:49 - youtube video taken down - linked original source


Another reason I like Will Ferrell:

Will Ferrell Answers Your Internet Questions





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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Thongs and Superglue

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 06/08/2008 22:13:16

The title says it all - I received the following image in an email forward:

GThongs and Superglue

People falling down are funny. Especially when they are holding a drink.



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Monday, July 14, 2008

Dimitri the (crazy and egotistical) lover

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 14/07/2008 19:12:28
Updated by Joel Dixon at 25/02/2009 09:45:28


I was listening to a podcast of an ex-Melbourne radio show - The Shebang - when they played an audio clip of "Dimitri" leaving a few phone messages for a girl named Olga. Marty and Fifi concluded that Dimitri was the most egotistical man on the planet - and when you listen to the clip it's hard to disagree. I've linked to a YouTube video of it - and the whole transcript is below. The transcript is an indication of the crazy going on - but it's no substitute for the audio.

Dimitri the Lover


Quoting Dimitri The Lover - First Message:
Yeah hi there Olga, it's Dimitri.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and had to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I figured I better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I approached you.

I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me ... six, seven times a day. But I'm very particular about what I like. You're extremely elegant. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, and your friends were very jealous - even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm very particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here.

I don't know if you pick up the messages on the weekend but I'm working on a movie script so I'm pretty much around all weekend, doing that. I left you my number [number here]. This looks like a land line, and if it is, you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and then we'll get together for coffee and chat, and let the romance begin.

You looked very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that isn't timidness, I hope it was just a little bit of shock at being approached so directly. Because I don't really date timid women, because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a woman who's very independent and strong. So anyway we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. Now I have. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Olga? Talk to you soon, bye.


It gets much better when apparently Olga doesn't call Dimitri back for three days:

Quoting Dimitri The Lover - Second Message:
Hi there, Olga. It's Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street.

I left you a message several days ago, you said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages, but I like you, you're a very elegant woman, you're very attractive, but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you're playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here's how it's gonna work.

It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I'll assume ... I'll assume that you've already left work, because you know, some people leave early, and I'll grant you that. But if I do not receive a phone call back from you by 3 o'clock Thursday afternoon, I'm no longer interested and you can erase my number. I don't play games like that.

I'm completely single, I'm very intelligent, I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months, I had a long distance relationship, you know - went a year, it's very tough to maintain it like that and it didn't work out. There's nothing wrong with me. Matter of fact I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you that three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you, you lose my number. I'm erasing yours right now, so you won't be hearing back from me.

So that's it: three o'clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you've got other issues, like maybe you're not playing games, maybe you've had - I don't know ... maybe you were abused in childhood? Maybe your mother has cancer, you're going to chemo? Maybe you're just a person who's just extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you're on some medication for that. I don't know, there could be another issue that I'm not aware of.

But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. And you let me know, if you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested. OK? But if you're psychologically normal, and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible thing that's happened in your life which prevented you that's fine. But otherwise? Don't call me. Okay? Bye.


Wow. Just wow!

After a little research into this Lothario revealed a wealth of information.

Here's his website where he was providing advice and workshops in the art of seduction. But if you are in the Toronto area, don't get your hopes too high. He's taking time off over the Summer for a few documentary projects - of which he is the star of course. And you must see the genuine products he has on offer. I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone wearing these down the street yet.

Then I found a few sites talking about his checkered past (such as changing his name after having his medical license suspended due to sexual impropriety - classy).

One thing's for sure. He certainly is a complete catch!



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