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"Happy Freedom Day, ladies. Come on, let loose and show my something. Anything. Seriously, I'd take an armpit." - Zapp Brannigan, Futurama 4ACV05

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The rarely updated blog of Joel Dixon

Viewing blogs tagged Funny

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Not Will Ferrell Trivia

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 21/09/2008 10:08:53

Another reason I like Will Ferrell:

Will Ferrell Answers Your Internet Questions






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Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Thongs and Superglue

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 06/08/2008 22:13:16

The title says it all - I received the following image in an email forward:

GThongs and Superglue

People falling down are funny. Especially when they are holding a drink.



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Monday, July 14, 2008

Dimitri the (crazy and egotistical) lover

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 14/07/2008 19:12:28

I was listening to a podcast of an ex-Melbourne radio show - The Shebang - when they played an audio clip of "Dimitri" leaving a few phone messages for a girl named Olga. Marty and Fifi concluded that Dimitri was the most egotistical man on the planet - and when you listen to the clip it's hard to disagree. I've linked to a YouTube video of it - and the whole transcript is below. The transcript is an indication of the crazy going on - but it's no substitute for the audio.

Dimitri the Lover


Quoting Dimitri The Lover - First Message:
Yeah hi there Olga, it's Dimitri.

Sorry I had to leave such a rushed message with you when we met the other day. I just wanted to quickly give you my phone number, and had to get the heck out of the area. In any event, I figured I better leave you a more detailed message and explain why I approached you.

I am single. I have no trouble meeting women; I mean, women approach me ... six, seven times a day. But I'm very particular about what I like. You're extremely elegant. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, and your friends were very jealous — even if they say they weren't, they were envious of the fact that I approached you, and I was very taken by you. Elegant women are very rare. I'm Greek and I'm very particular about what I like. So I'm giving you an opportunity here.

I don't know if you pick up the messages on the weekend but I'm working on a movie script so I'm pretty much around all weekend, doing that. I left you my number [number here]. This looks like a land line, and if it is, you may not get the message till Monday. But when you do, call me and then we'll get together for coffee and chat, and let the romance begin.

You looked very taken aback by my approach, and I hope that isn't timidness, I hope it was just a little bit of shock at being approached so directly. Because I don't really date timid women, because I'm a very direct, very passionate, very assertive man, and I want a woman who's very independent and strong. So anyway we'll talk about that, but I just wanted to formally introduce myself. Now I have. I leave the ball in your court. You call me as soon as you have the courage to. Okay, Olga? Talk to you soon, bye.


It gets much better when apparently Olga doesn't call Dimitri back for three days:

Quoting Dimitri The Lover - Second Message:
Hi there, Olga. It's Dimitri calling again, the guy from the street.

I left you a message several days ago, you said you were interested. Now, here's the way I work. I don't like leaving second messages, but I like you, you're a very elegant woman, you're very attractive, but, you know, I don't play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls; you're playing games like you see in stupid TV shows. So here's how it's gonna work.

It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. Now I'll assume ... I'll assume that you've already left work, because you know, some people leave early, and I'll grant you that. But if I do not receive a phone call back from you by 3 o'clock Thursday afternoon, I'm no longer interested and you can erase my number. I don't play games like that.

I'm completely single, I'm very intelligent, I'm great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I'm a complete catch. I've only been single four months, I had a long distance relationship, you know - went a year, it's very tough to maintain it like that and it didn't work out. There's nothing wrong with me. Matter of fact I'm one of the few men in the city that has nothing wrong with him. So I'm giving you that three o'clock deadline. If I don't hear from you, you lose my number. I'm erasing yours right now, so you won't be hearing back from me.

So that's it: three o'clock tomorrow, or you can just completely forget it.

Now I understand if you've got other issues, like maybe you're not playing games, maybe you've had - I don't know ... maybe you were abused in childhood? Maybe your mother has cancer, you're going to chemo? Maybe you're just a person who's just extremely frightened or has an anxiety disorder, maybe you're on some medication for that. I don't know, there could be another issue that I'm not aware of.

But nobody says "Call me," hands a person a business card and then doesn't return calls. It's extremely passive aggressive. You should actually look that up, passive-aggressive personality disorder. And you let me know, if you've got issues, psychological issues, if you're on any sort of medication for anxiety or depression, I'm not interested. OK? But if you're psychologically normal, and you haven't called me because there's been some horrible thing that's happened in your life which prevented you that's fine. But otherwise? Don't call me. Okay? Bye.


Wow. Just wow!

After a little research into this Lothario revealed a wealth of information.

Here's his website where he was providing advice and workshops in the art of seduction. But if you are in the Toronto area, don't get your hopes too high. He's taking time off over the Summer for a few documentary projects - of which he is the star of course. And you must see the genuine products he has on offer. I'm surprised I haven't seen anyone wearing these down the street yet.

Then I found a few sites talking about his checkered past (such as changing his name after having his medical license suspended due to sexual impropriety - classy).

One thing's for sure. He certainly is a complete catch!



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Sunday, April 20, 2008

Plants and Pop

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 20/04/2008 19:49:07
Updated by Joel Dixon at 20/04/2008 21:13:53


I stumbled over an amusing post with a collection of science fair photos on Photo Basement. Here's some of my favourites:

Plants and Pop
Plants and Pop
I seriously want to find out what the results were. Why is the government hiding this stuff from us? It's the EV1 all over again.

Moon Babies
Moon Babies
Moon Babies. What more can you say?

Animal Magnetism
Animal Magnetism
Animal Magnetism. You're telling me!

The Code of the Meniscus
Best Jumper Ever
Best. Jumper. Ever! (except for maybe this one)

The Ideal Pancreas
The Ideal Pancreas
Part 2 mind you. I assume all the good stuff was in part 1.

If I were back in an American high school, my experiment would probably be about cats and whether they want cheeseburgers.



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Friday, April 11, 2008

Garfield minus Garfield

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 11/04/2008 21:43:47
Updated by Joel Dixon at 12/04/2008 00:26:11


The Internet is a wonderful place. Sure, there's plenty of downsides, but at times it appears that we've discovered the proverbial thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters. Amongst all of the internet crap - there's a heap of gems, like Garfield minus Garfield. From the site:

Quote:
Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness in a quiet American suburb.

Basically he photoshops Garfield out of the Garfield comics and it turns into a hilarious comic about a crazy Jon. I browsed the site and he has picked some very funny ones - exhibit A.

Anyway, on the train home the other night I picked up a copy of the Herald Sun and flicked through to the comic section. Sure enough - the comic I saw was another example of a good Garfield minus Garfield so I got Bell to photoshop it up for me. When you mouse over the image it will be replaced with the original comic (give it a second to load), or if you don't have Javascript enabled you can just click it.



Check out the site - don't let the monkey's work be in vein!



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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

It's Funny, laugh

# Posted by Joel Dixon at 10/10/2007 05:30:36
Updated by Joel Dixon at 19/12/2007 22:00:37


Some of the videos in this post contain profanities

You may have noticed that I've changed my generic subtitle line from "I still doubt that I will post here much" to my original intention of random quotes. They're not so random at the moment, as there's about 40 in total - and they've been selected from the limited source of The Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy and some Saturday Night Live sketches.

If you've yet to experience Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy, I highly recommend you download legally purchase all of the videos, and laugh hysterically. Here's a YouTube compilation video that explains the concept and fits in most of the favourite jokes (except for my personal favourite):

Celebrity Jeopardy!


In another seamless segue, Jeopardy also features in one of my all-time favorite Jerky Boys prank calls (of which there is a lot) - Testing for Jeopardy:

Testing for Jeopardy!


I got into the Jerky Boys during high school, when some friends and I stumbled on the universally-panned feature movie The Jerky Boys. The movie may have been pretty bad, but we loved it. When we found out that they had better stuff on CD - we loved that even more. As soon as I get some extra time I will be adding some Jerky Boys quotes to the site.

Another part-time prank caller (very weak link, I know) is Matt Besser from the Upright Citizens Brigade. A friend from work put me onto the Upright Citizen's Brigade, an improv comedy group originating in Chicago in the early 90's. I'm more familiar with the three seasons of television that they created (based on sketches from the live show) - of which season two is on sale now. UCB is hit-and-miss comedy, so some cause a bit of head-scratching. But these two don't (or maybe they do):

Little Donny

Little Donny is a child that has the disability of being unaware of his enormous penis. This video is The Little Donny Foundation's version of a "Do They Know It's Christmas" style song. The people on the street were asked to sing "enormous peanuts", and the reason Donny is crying in the end is because Tuvok was unable to find his way home in Star Trek.

Astronauts

UCB also have an irrational hatred of astronauts

The UCB crew also founded a Theatre which plays host to a number of improv and sketch comedy groups, including some of the members from Derrick Comedy. Derrick Comedy aren't enormously popular, and are also very hit-and-miss, but I find most of the videos on their site amusing. They've also done a few "rejected TV theme songs".

Mafia


Keyboard Kid

Stick with it - gets funnier after a minute or so

Daughters


There's also some less tasteful ones - so I won't embed them - but provide links (don't say I didn't warn you). Of course, I find the distasteful ones some of the funniest:

Memory Loss - A slightly different version of Memento!
Bad BJ Girl - she's got it a little wrong
Bro Rape - a special report on "Bro Rape"
The Cool Breeze - not necessarily distasteful - but I figured it wasn't worth an embedding
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme - Again, not disturbing - but weird!

I think I've linked enough of the clips - if you still don't like their comedy - I doubt I can persuade you! Enjoy (I hope).



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